Procrasturbation at work: It's exactly what you think

Home workers' dirty little secret: mid-afternoon masturbation.

Dave Yasvinski 3 minute read October 21, 2020

Apparently, another cup of coffee in the afternoon just isn't cutting it for some people who work from home. Getty

When CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin dropped his briefs during a Zoom call with colleagues last week, he pulled a sensitive subject out of the shadows for everyone to see — whether they wanted to or not.

Procrasturbation, the highly technical term for the process by which procrastination becomes one with masturbation, is on the rise as millions of people in Canada and abroad have been forced to work from home during the pandemic. Isolated from friends — particularly those with benefits — by sweeping COVID-19 lockdowns, a considerable segment of the population has taken matters into its own hands.

“Masturbation is such a great tool to tap into pleasure in the middle of a lot of stress, a lot of fear and a lot of uncertainty,” Rae McDaniel, a certified sex therapist, told the Chicago Tribune. “It’s something that no matter what your situation, you have access to it; everyone has access to feeling pleasure in their own bodies and connecting to their own bodies in that way. I think that is a hugely positive thing for these times.”

But problems can obviously arise if what is typically a solo activity becomes a spectator sport, thanks to our increasingly connected society. And make no mistake, the activity is on the rise.

Everyone has access to feeling pleasure in their own bodies and connecting to their own bodies

Yellow Octopus, an online retailer in Australia, polled over 1,000 people from Canada, the U.S. and within its own borders, to “find out what really goes on behind closed doors.” The answer, it appears, is a whole lot of wanking.

The survey found that 35 per cent of men and 17 per cent women have taken the self-guided tour during work hours. Young people were the most likely to engage in procrasturbation, with 31.3 per cent of respondents falling in the 18 to 24 age group, followed furiously by 24 per cent of respondents from the 35-44 age group. “(It’s) like I just got paid to masturbate,” one respondent said. “I felt grateful and slightly guilty.”

All of this extracurricular activity has been good for online sex sites, according to the New York Post, with Stripchat (a livestreaming sex cam site) reporting a 75 per cent increase in visits between the weekday hours of 10 a.m. and 6 p.m.

“Remote workers (are beginning to explore) new mid-afternoon pick-me-ups (since) another cup of coffee isn’t cutting it anymore,” said Max Bennett, communications director for Stripchat. “Data shows that with more people working remotely, there has been a dramatic increase in people tuning into porn during the workday.”

(It’s) like I just got paid to masturbate,” one respondent said. “I felt grateful and slightly guilty

The most popular timeslot to celebrate Palm Sunday fell between 3 to 4 p.m. on Stripchat, with 90 per cent of the site’s users clearly knocking off a little early.

“This new work-from-home masturbation revolution comes at a time when work-related stress is at an all-time high,” Bennett said. “Having those few minutes to yourself releases the perfect amount of endorphins to help you get through that mid-afternoon hump.”

But even though more people are double-clicking their mouse during the pandemic, the stigma surrounding masturbation still persists, said Searah Deysach, owner of Early to Bed, a Chicago sex shop. “I think during this quarantine, masturbation is seen as, ‘Well, you don’t have any other choice,” she said.

“I think masturbation should be more celebrated, that it’s a wonderful way to express your sexuality, and have it just be about you, and it’s good for you and it’s healthy and makes you happy.”

Just make sure the cameras aren’t rolling.


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