Goop Diaries: Crystals are key to 'masculine energy'

I am beginning a journey into a dark world, one I am not sure I will make it out of entirely unchanged.

Nicholas Sokic 3 minute read February 27, 2020

Gwyneth Paltrow at the goop lab Special Screening in Los Angeles, California on January 21, 2020. Photo by Rachel Murray/Getty Images

I am beginning a journey into a dark world, one I am not sure I will make it out of entirely unchanged. It is a world of financial ruin, lies and willful deceit.

I’m talking about Goop.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s transformation into snake oil salesperson was complete before anyone knew what was happening, and now seems to be an inextricable part of her public persona.

To begin, a cursory glance at the ‘Men’ section. The latest article is “5 Crystals for Masculine Energy” —  which are all words that make sense on their own but when put in that order, produce only profound bewilderment.

The article justifies itself by beginning with, “Ancient civilizations used crystals as a way to connect to the earth and nature.” Which ones? How? To what result? Goop is not obliged to answer these questions. Instead, we have Heather Askinosie, a ‘crystal and feng shui expert’ who is the founder of Energy Muse and the author of two books on crystals. She has apparently worked for over 30 years to translate “ancient wisdom into simple tools,” so just trust her, okay?

No, you can’t ask any questions, just hold the rock over your heart chakra and shut up.

Her definition of masculine energy is “the dominant, assertive, goal-oriented parts of all of us.” Sorry women, assertiveness is a masculine quality now.


This green copper mineral is recommended for love and transformation. Askinosie writes, “It encourages breaking up with negative habits in relationships so that you can be vulnerable and learn to give and receive love.” Yes, the rock is an active participant. No, you can’t ask any questions, just hold the rock over your heart chakra and shut up.

Tiger’s Eye

This golden-brown gemstone is supposed to give you prosperity, willpower and strength. Without a hint of irony, she writes, “This stone challenges you to look into the eye of the tiger and face your fears head-on.” Cue the music.


The crystalline mineral tourmaline is supposed to protect you from negative energy, as well as warding it out of your environment should you choose to place it in the corners of your home or office. What kind of energy are we talking about here? Thermal? Nuclear? Gravitational? Maybe elastic?

No, we’re talking about negative energy, like when you’re headed to work and the bus drive-by gives you a full-body soaking you or when you’re ghosted. Tourmaline will protect you from stuff like that by being a “personal energetic bodyguard.”


This non-crystalloid mostly made of carbon is for “purifying and neutralizing.” Again what exactly is being purified or neutralized is unclear. Is it my intestines? Did I eat something that didn’t agree with me?

The real kicker is that even though Askinosie has studied ancient wisdom for her career selling glorified pet rocks, shungite is recommended for “techy people” or “anyone who spends a lot of time using a screen and is looking to balance out their energy.” Those ancient civilization people must have been really smart to have predicted smartphones.


Askinosie recommends you keep pyrite in your wallet “to carry its wealth-attracting energy with you.” Must have missed that one in grade ten science class.

Pyrite by itself is basically worthless, will break with little pressure, and is actually nicknamed ‘fool’s gold.’ Never has there been such a deliciously apt sobriquet.

The way I see it, to achieve any of the aspects, goals or attitudes described above you are better off doing literally anything else.

Goop Diaries appears every week, deconstructing the ‘lifestyle and wellness’ company’s predilection for pseudoscience. Have a Goop story to tell? Let us know